Sinbad of the Seven Seas. It has become a magical phrase. Go ahead, say it, and revel in the magic.

After reading all the reviews of this film on RinkWorks, I had to see it.

I searched the web and found a copy! So yes, I own a copy! As Jaffar would no doubt say, "Nya ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!"

I'm now watching it for the third time in as many days. This will not be a review so much as a running commentary. I'm indebted to the prior reviewers for their insights. A whole book could easily be written about this movie.

The music for the opening theme is cheesy like the rest of the music, but there are more instruments. Even a piano. It sounds like the band Yes on a really off day.

I have to say, I did better music for my own film with nothing more than a Moog MG-1.

Does this *really* have anything to do with Edgar Allan Poe? The credits claim the story is by Lewis Coates (aka Luigi Cozzi -- best known as a director of a bunch of crappy Italian SF films, like "Starcrash" and Lou Ferrigno's "Hercules"). According to Michael Weldon, this was originally made in 86, then reworked by Cozzi in 89.

And on to the film --

The narratress says this is taking place in the "early days of the Earth," but wouldn't that make everyone here cavemen? Or dinosaurs? Or maybe even primordial soup?

The Chinese guy's hair is obviously influenced by Ed Grimley. Or perhaps Henry Spencer. This is the kind of movie where, if the Chinese guy's name is Can-tu, you feel pretty certain he has an older brother named Can-not.

The Princess pulls a small dagger on Jaffar early in the film. He grabs her wrist and disarms her...then puts the dagger back in her hilt. He gives it back to her! Gee, did she look like her ensemble wasn't complete without it?

Jaffar's "Ha!!!" easily defines this movie.

Jaffar and the Princess watch as the guards attack Sinbad's men. The Viking and Can-tu easily kick everyone's butt without a scratch. Then we cut to Sinbad in the snake dungeon, and, in the next scene, Sinbad's men are being led to the torture chamber! Obviously, there should have been a card on the screen saying, "Sinbad's Men Captured -- Scene Missing."

I've missed the little alien dude each time -- I was looking for him but was looking for someone larger. Maybe Poochie's size, or so. E'en though you've told me where to look, Sam, I still didn't catch him.

The whole torture dungeon scene is ludicrous from start to finish. The guards, both here and before are so inept and so easily defeated...the only way these guys could win ANY sort of conflict would be if they bribed the screenwriter.

And the sock puppet piranhas...even the director must have thought they were a terrible effect, since the most we see of them is a couple of very quick shots. But in one of those shots (when one of the badguys falls in their vat) it is quite clear that they aren't fish at all but some sort of long-necked things, like sea snakes. (Ok, it's a stretch to try and make this terrible special effect into *anything* like a real animal.)

So why weren't they called something like "sea snakes?" (Or, in keeping with the naming convention of the film, "The Deadly, Voracious Sea Snakes of Pure Evil?") I'm guessing because of Sinbad's little speech prior to this, about how snakes were always called in to do the dirty work and were in reality nice guys. Couldn't turn around and have actual *bad* snakes after a speech like that!

Of course, that would mean that someone connected with this film actually put some thought into it...nahhhhh!

There's great heavy metal music during the fight with the zombies. Well, not great music by any stretch. It might be described as lively, or danceable. The lead zombie, in the white cloak, has a scythe and looks like Death -- I didn't know you could punch Death in the back. Maybe that would work if he ever shows up.

How do you kill the legions of the dead anyway? I mean, they're dead, right? Ah yes...you pull out their hearts with faces and tell them to go away!

Notice that the Bald Cook doesn't do any actual cooking. The one time dinner is served aboard ship (after the fight with the dead guys), it's Poochie who bursts up on deck and says, "Dinner's ready!" I think the Bald Cook seems to be more of a doctor or something -- he knew all about the various powders and potions and things. Or maybe he was a friend of the director, and that's why he's here.

The oracle gets the first gem backwards. He talks about where the various gems are, then says, "the fourth gem" will be found on Skull island...but that's the first one Sinbad gets. Unless these gems have some kind of pecking order?

I want to see everything that the guy playing Jaffar (John Steiner) has been in. I see from the IMDb that he's also in "Yor: Hunter from the Future," but Sam says, alas, he's just dull in that. Still, he ought to be a cult star. I think we should take a collection, bring him to the states, and team him with Jackie Chan! Ok, I'll stop now.

Hey, Sinbad mentions Soukra (the heavy metal babe) before she even shows up! He says "Jaffar must have other allies than Soukra...." D'you suppose he read the script or something? If so, he didn't read it very closely...she's not an ally of Jaffar, any more than I am.

Ok, now I'm confused. The torturer said that the Bald Cook would be a "Turkish Delight" for the piranhas, but Sinbad just called him by name (something "-opolis") and then yelled, "Hey, Greek!" when he didn't show up quickly enough. Gad -- not that it matters.

The Amazon queen "danced and spun" around Sinbad, according to the narrator, but all she does is walk around him.

What the heck is the heavy metal woman (Soukra) doing with Jaffar? She shows up and insults him. Why did he call her to be there? She doesn't DO anything.

"You have to be second to someone...why not me?"

Interesting that when the Amazon queen walks Sinbad by his men, they all speak and shout to him -- we hear none of this, because the narratress is speaking...but we do hear the bird noises in the jungle.

"Gosh, you're sure beautiful."

Ok. I thought there were four gems to be recovered. Sinbad, after the Amazon isle (as opposed to Amazon.com), says to Jaffar, "That's two down, and three to go!" Yes, there is a fifth, in the middle of the Ridiculous Gem Holder, but it should still be there in the palace. I know -- Sinbad is a "warrior" not a "merchant." On the other hand, "But you can still count!" (Mr. Zorg, from "The Fifth Element.") (I love that movie.)

The Amazon queen is named "Dorita!" Is that the feminine form of Doritos?

Wow. Jaffar said he couldn't trust any women, and Soukra just said that Jaffar could trust her -- and she cheers Sinbad at the end. Makes it even more puzzling that he would want her around, since she NEVER does ANYTHING.

So, now they're being attacked by the Empty Suits Of Armor That Can Only Be Killed By Severe Denting. But aren't these kind of armor suits from a few centuries after Sinbad's day? Sorry, I keep expecting logic and sense.

Wait a second. On the Isle of the Dead, one of the Suits of Armor on a horse just slashed Sinbad with his sword. He did it again! Ok, the camera cuts away or hides the action behind the horse, but there is NO WAY these guys could have missed. I mean, *I* could have killed Sinbad if it had been me. (Though I wouldn't have, I promise.) Watch carefully, right after the bit where Sinbad runs in slow motion away from the two horsemen.

Gosh -- maybe Poochie and the Bald Cook *aren't* all that loyal. Jaffar just zapped them far out to sea -- and they laugh and cheer! "Hooray, it's magic!"

Cool. Jaffar shoots light beams out of his eyes, and they go into the Ghost King. How did he manage that? Or did he shoot them through the Magic Camera? Gee. I dunno. Makes Hulk's head hurt.

Oh please. Sinbad grabs the Ghost King's sword by the *blade*?? Ow! Wouldn't that leave a mark, at least?

That wizard guy -- Nadir? He's got to be Terry Jones or Michael Palin. Or a big fan of one or both.

Sinbad's brief Nadir-speech is the second greatest line in the film. It sure does seem to console the guy, too.

Wow, Sinbad beats one leper by throwing his cloak at him!

Great bit where the lepers try to defeat Sinbad by wrapping a rug around him. Oh wait -- it's his own cloak again! Guess they figured, since it worked against them, maybe it will work for them, too?

Oh no -- the heavy metal babe (Soukra?) is wearing a hat thing. What *is* she doing in this movie? She contributes *nothing* except to insult Jaffar. And claim that she has to defeat Ali, which she never does. "The young prince and I have a duel to finish," she says. How does one leave a duel unfinished?

Great commentary from the red-haired gal during Sinbad's fight with the lepers. I really wished she would have said, "In the labonza! In the labonza!"

Now, I know why it's PG-13. When Sinbad rips the arm off the guy, it is pretty gruesome. But that's it.

The slime monster has pretty cool laser beams. But boy does his aim stink. He never hits anything. In fact, he frees Redhead, by accident, and insures his own doom. Actually, his best bit is when he bounces on the ground like a dead balloon. I've never seen anything so non-menacing. I hope the special effects people, if they read this, aren't crushed. Sorry, guys, I know you tried. Or at least I hope you did.

The shot of the flying machine low over the ocean is actually ok. I mean, it looks real. At last, kudos to the filmmakers.

Sinbad tells Nadir and the Bald Cook to take care of the monster. Er, I hate to seem stupid...but...what monster? Did I miss something? (Yes, probably.)

"I command you in the name of alllllllllll that is evil.... Balch! Balch!!"

What's Sinbad trying to do in the cage of light beams? It looks like he's trying not to escape but to rearrange them into a more pleasing shape. He makes a big enough hole to escape early on.

"You are forcing me to carry out my most devastating act of magical madness," says Jaffar (before creating Anti-Sinbad). I'm sorry, I can't think of anything that would make this threat make sense. I would think anything that would get rid of Sinbad would be ok with Jaffar. Boy, though, it is great to see Jaffar and Sinbad speak and act in tandem!

Sinbad and Anti-Sinbad are perfect duplicates. I can't tell them apart. One just has to wait until one of them wins and figure that the winner was the good guy.

Why is Jaffar's lair over a lava pit?

Yes, there we can see that the fifth gem never left the Ridiculous Gem Holder.

Hey -- there's the heavy metal babe, cheering Sinbad! (After the defeat of Jaffar.) Boy, talk about your turncoats! Why the HELL did Jaffar want her around anyway????

Poor Poochie. After being named many times in the movie, in the end credits Cork Hubbert is credited as "Midget." Of course, the Bald Cook isn't mentioned at all! Unless he's "Ahmed."

This is a delicious movie. It deserves its own web site, really. No -- its own domain! Think of it -- people could have email addresses like [email protected]! I'm glad I got a copy. I wish it was a ten-tape mini-series.

Thank you, RinkWorks!

Response From RinkWorks:

It is extremely difficult to spot the alien dude. There are two brief cuts where you can see him. He's inside the piranha tank and approximately the same size as the sock puppets. In fact, you might easily mistake him for a piranha sock puppet unless you look closely and notice his alien-like face and little arms. If memory serves, the two cuts where you can see him playing in the tank are just before and just after Sinbad's insanely long slow motion wrestle with the chain guy at the end of the torture chamber fight scene. For the first view, he's in the middle near far edge of the vat; for the second view, he's a little more to the right. The second view is perhaps a little clearer than the first.

Regarding the Bald Cook, you're probably right that he's credited as "Ahmed," although I'm not sure, but wasn't his name somethingopolis? No name like that in the final credits either. -- Sam.