Once upon a time there was a house with a mouse in it, which is a very bad thing to have in a house if you are also in the house and happen to be afraid of mice and the mouse jumps out in front of you and you scream and hyperventilate and say, "Goodness gracious," and stumble backward and fall over and hit your head on something and then freak out worse because, lying on the floor, there is all the more chance the mouse might touch you.

In this particular house, there was just such a person, and as she was nursing her bruised head, she said, "I shall buy a cat and a band-aid," and so she went to the store and bought a cat and a band-aid. She said to the cat, "I will give you a scratching post and a litter box and a chew toy if you get that mouse," and so she gave the cat a scratching post and a litter box and a chew toy, and the mouse said, "Uh oh."

So one day the mouse was walking around and said to himself, "I hope the cat doesn't jump out at me, because I am afraid of cats." But while the mouse was walking around, the cat was also walking around, and as it happened they were walking around in the same general area, and the mouse saw the cat and screamed and hyperventilated and said, "Goodness gracious," and stumbled backward and fell over and hit his head on something, and the cat would have pounced on the mouse and killed it, except that what the mouse hit its head on was the cat's scratching post, and the scratching post fell over and whomped the cat on the head and knocked it unconscious, and the mouse ran away.

The next day, the mouse was walking around and the cat was walking around, and as luck would have it they were walking around in the same general area again, and the mouse saw the cat and screamed and hyperventilated and said, "Goodness gracious," and stumbled backward and fell over and hit his head on something, and the cat would have pounced on the mouse and killed it, except that what the mouse hit its head on was the cat's litter box, and the litter in the litter box went up in a poof of litter, and the cat sneezed itself silly, and the mouse ran away.

The next day, the mouse was walking around and the cat was walking around, and wouldn't you know it, they were walking around in the same general area again, and the mouse saw the cat and did all that stuff he does before hitting his head on something, then hit his head on something, and the cat would have pounced on the mouse and killed it, except that what the mouse hit its head on was the cat's chew toy, which had a little bell attached, and the bell tingled, and the cat heard the sound and said, "Oooo, chew toy," and chewed on the toy and forgot all about the mouse, who ran away.

Then one day the owner of the house was walking around, and the mouse jumped out at her, and as she was nursing her freshly bruised head, she said to the cat, "I thought I said I'd give you a scratching post and a litter box and a chew toy if you got that mouse, and I gave you a scratching post and a litter box and a chew toy, and you didn't get the mouse," and she threw the cat outside and slammed the door shut.

So the cat sat there.

By and by, the cat got up and rang the doorbell, and the owner of the house answered the door and said, "Yessss?" and the cat said, "I would have gotten that mouse if you had not given me a scratching post, which whomped me on the head, or a litter box, which sneezed myself silly, or a chew toy, which tingled. So, you see, it's all your fault."

And the owner said, "Thanks to you, I have learned to be stingy and uncaring toward those who serve me," and she let the cat back in the house, but only after she took the scratching post and the litter box and the chew toy and set fire to them, and the cat caught the mouse and ate it, and bits of the mouse stained the carpet and grossed out the owner, who saw the blood and screamed and hyperventilated and said, "Goodness gracious," and stumbled backward and fell over and hit her head on something which was on fire, because the fire that was burning up the cat toys had spread to the drapes, and the whole house burnt down.