These are movie ultra-condensations for some movies that I haven't seen.

-FP

===

JOHN Q.

DENZEL WASHINGTON: My son will die unless he gets a vital organ replaced. You must save him.

DOCTOR: Sorry, but you didn't buy enough medical insurance.

DENZEL WASHINGTON: Perhaps this gun will change your mind.

[The POLICE show up and shoot DENZEL WASHINGTON, but luckily they miss the VITAL ORGAN his SON needs.]

DOCTOR: I am moved by Denzel's love for his son and will use his vital organ to save his son over the insurance company's objections.

THE END

---

COLLATERAL DAMAGE

ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER: I love my wife and child.

[The BAD GUY blows up ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER'S wife and child.]

FBI AGENT: You're the only person who has seen the bad guy's face. Tell us what he looks like and don't go off to Columbia to seek vengence by yourself.

ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER: Okay.

[ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER goes off to Columbia to seek vengence by himself.]

BAD GUY: Just to show the audience that I have no redeemable qualities, I will now shoot this puppy.

[There are EXPLOSIONS.]

ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER: Remember kids -- only kill in self-defense or for revenge.

[ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER kills the BAD GUY.]

THE END

---

AMERICAN PIE

MAIN CHARACTER: Oh no! I'm almost out of high school and I haven't had sex yet!

[He tries to get a GIRL to have SEX with, but a COMIC MISADVENTURE ENSUES.]

MAIN CHARACTER: I seem to be in an embarrasing situation involving my hormones. I hope my father, Eugene Levy, doesn't walk in.

EUGENE LEVY: Hi there son, I -- GOOD LORD!

(REPEAT)

THE END

---

SCREAM

A TEENAGER: You know how in all those stupid 80's slasher movies, the victims do all the stupid things they're not supposed to in slasher movies and wind up getting killed?

ANOTHER TEENAGER: Yeah, what a bunch of idiots.

[THEY do STUPID THINGS they're not supposed to do in SLASHER MOVIES and wind up getting KILLED.]

KILLER: Booga booga booga.

[NEVE CAMPBELL kills the KILLER much like the heroine did in all those SLASHER MOVIES, but with an IRONIC TWIST.]

KILLER: Someone will dress like me in the sequels. [DIES.]

THE END

---

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER

KILLER: I know what you did last summer.

TEENAGER: You mean when I told my agent I'd like to be in a movie that rips off SCREAM?

KILLER: Yes.

[He kills the TEENAGER.]

THE END

---

PANIC ROOM

REAL ESTATE AGENT: This huge house in the middle of Manhattan comes with a secret room with a lot of surveillance equipment. You should hide there if burglars break in and decide to terrorize you.

[JODIE FOSTER gives the REAL ESTATE AGENT seventeen million dollars because it is a huge house in the middle of Manhattan.]

JODIE FOSTER: Oh no, there is someone in the house.

[She hides in the secret room with a lot of surveillance equipment. The burglars TERRORIZE her.]

AUDIENCE: Why isn't there be a phone in the secret room? Shouldn't just opening the door of the secret room notify the police? She's a New Yorker -- why doesn't she have a cell phone on her?

THE END

---

ROLLERBALL

[BLURS of COLOR go shooting across the movie screen. There are EXPLOSIONS. People FIGHT each other at HIGH SPEEDS but it is IMPOSSIBLE to follow WHAT IS GOING ON because of the INCESSANT techno music on the SOUNDTRACK and the FAST PACED editing that would do Michael Bay proud.]

[SUDDENLY the movie ends.]

AUDIENCE: What the hell just happened?

THE END